anhedonia

 

I sit on a cloud of red
plummeting in the air
pulled by gravity
I need to carry my head

I downed one
three
five
elixirs
but I can still count
something must be wrong
why am I not numb

sounds bounce off the walls
of my eyes
I can still remember
everything I heard
the falls, the calls, the gongs

I wait for the fury
to come
I yearn for the wrath
but I am drowned
in a hail
of indifference
obscurely

the hollowness has grown so deep
every word that enters
has an echo
and no two words ever meet

ghosts are watching the lunatic
they know their time has come
the dead arise
onto my pages
the memories spill
from my ink

it’s you and you and you
all of this mistrust
all this disillusion
it’s because
you knew
but still
you threw
the truth
in a chute

I have seen enough to know
that every single one of you
wants a different version
of the same show

in the morning I
will pour out my insides
but not my thoughts
not my sentiments
until then I’ll
watch my legs liquify
and wish that
there would come a time
when we didn’t say goodbye

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