When Leaving Becomes The Only Option

You’re a twenty eight year old man,” I kept telling myself.
Stop being a teenager,” I thought as I stood up and left.
But how could I not feel like a teenager? When she looked like a woman.
I fell in love with her when she was a girl, how could my senses not overwhelm me? When she walked like she knew her destination.
She didn’t notice me. I didn’t expect her to, because that’s the way she has always been. She looks at her goals and her goals only, doesn’t glance anywhere else.
I couldn’t not look at her, she was everything I’ve dreamt of and everything I couldn’t have.
I left that town a year ago because of her. I couldn’t handle her presence, she avoided me as well.
Even when she tried to avoid me, I couldn’t handle seeing her go on with her life without me, so I left.
And tonight I expected to see her, I promised myself that I’d behave. I think I’d forgotten how reckless and foolish I get around her.
And when I saw her again, I knew, I knew for sure that I’ll never recover.
I didn’t want to go after her, I didn’t want to do something stupid, so I left.
Between ”the right thing” and her, leaving seems as my only option.
I wonder if her voice still sounded the same when she sang or when she read? Did she still read the books that she shouldn’t read?
One thing has changed about her though, the look in her eyes was different. The soft look in her eyes was gone.
Control. She stole it from me. I don’t have it anymore, so I leave.
She bared my soul, left me nude, without barriers. I can’t protect myself so I leave.
As I was walking out of the door I heard footsteps approach. They were her footsteps. How did I know her footsteps? Was I that mad?
She was looking for me. I knew the look on her face well, I didn’t have to look at her to know that her eyes were glossy and her face, disappointed.
I wanted to apologize, I wanted to explain. But I couldn’t go back, I couldn’t face her furrowed eyebrows and turned-down lips.
Her lips were very red tonight. When did I become so easily distracted and scatterbrained? Since I met her.
I wanted to look back, to see her one last time. When I turned, she was gone.
She’s got potential, she’s going to do something worthy someday.
And me? I’m just going to keep doing ”the right thing” and waste my life without her.


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