Self-centered rambling.


And here I am. Trying to search with in the yin-yang that is my personality, to find who I am.
I see confused people as well so I’m not the only one. Sometimes I can’t tell if it’s me or if I’m making me up.
I can’t tell if what I can remember is a memory or a figment of my imagination.
I like people too immediately, obsess over them for a while and then *POOF* I fall out of infatuation as fast as I fall in it.
I have never been in a relationship because I don’t trust my feelings and I fear weakness, dependence, vulnerability.
I know that I don’t need love to feel happy, I don’t need anyone to save me I’m not a damsel in distress.
I’m energetic and tired, I’m silent and loud.
I’m a liar who tells the truth.
I feel like I shouldn’t worry or fear or cry or love because that’s weak but at the same time I know that emotions are a part of being human.
I’m a hopeless romantic but I don’t believe in love. I love people but say that I don’t trust them.
I care too much and act like I don’t care at all.
I want to be alone but I want to be social.
I like colors but I don’t like colors.
I care but I don’t really care.
I want to trust people but I don’t know their intentions.
I want to live like it’s my last day but I don’t because somehow I believe that it isn’t.
The purpose of life is to have a purpose.” I read it once and I need a purpose.
But in a book about birthdays my power thought was ”I don’t need crisis to feel alive.
And somehow, to me, ”Purpose” and ”Crisis” rhyme.
I don’t want to be selfish and self-centered but look at the paragraph above, it’s filled with ”I”s and ”Me”s.
And I feel bad when I write things about myself or say how I feel because the first thought that comes to my mind is ”Who cares?”. I know that no one does and I know that no one should and I know that I shouldn’t either.
And the second thought is that I’ve been taught over the years that only arrogant people use ”I” a lot.
And I don’t want to be arrogant, I want to be good because I want to be accepted.
But at the same time I want to be bad because ”When people see good, they expect good. And I don’t want to have to live up to anyone’s expectations.
I’m going to study medicine or pharmacy soon and I don’t know if I want to do that because I don’t know what I want and I don’t know who I am.
But isn’t not-knowing who you are, natural? should I just accept it?
Should we accept the fact that death is inevitable and so are wars?
Should we watch people die and say ”That’s life.”?
Should we use war to ask for peace?
I’m not a religious person.
But what is the difference between me and a religious person when I say ”That’s life.” and when they say ”That’s fate.”?
I don’t know if I believe in fate or not but are we just convincing ourselves?
Saying that tragedies are either ”Natural” or ”Meant to be”?

Two hypothetical situations:

A) A religious man goes to fight a lion and he believes that god will help him.
When he gets eaten by the lion he believes that it’s his fate.
People will say that it’s meant to be and that god knows better.

B) A non-religious man goes to fight a lion and he thinks that he is the only person who can help himself.
When he gets eaten by the lion he thinks that it is natural.
People will say that it is natural for lions to eat men and the man should have known better than to fight a lion on his own.

Both people end up dead. Both people find a way to convince themselves that it’s ”Okay”.

What are we doing and why do we do it? Why is it natural? Who decided that it is?

I don’t know what to think and I’m starting to really fucking hate myself.
Am I just complicating things? I can’t not-complicate things, they’re already complicated.

I don’t know who I am. I don’t know WHY I am.


4 thoughts on “Self-centered rambling.

      • I don’t know really, but I think the human brain always needs to be in some sort of “seeking” after these answers for us humans to feel like there is some purpose of our existence or something… whether we really want to know the answers or if there even are any is also a question for itself but I don’t think we can’t accept a world where we do not ask questions and try to find answers because maybe it would mean that we exist just to live and then die and that’s it, every human being can’t live like that and therefore I think some people needs answers (some find it by believing in different religions for example).

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